To People who think they can read books while they exercise

Hello again, ladies and gents! This post is going out to all those souls who feel its okay to read while they exercise. I find it so funny to see people paying for a gym membership who go and spend 45 minutes or an hour on a stationary bike, the treadmill, stair stepper, etc., barely moving, while they flip the pages of UsWeekly or their homework. The gym is to exercise, not multitask. The American Heart association says americans should be getting 15 minutes of elevated heart activity everyday, which means pushing the body beyond what it normally can handle. Everyone knows what this feels like, and it doesn’t feel like reading. It’s hard work, and it causes a sweat. You shouldn’t be able to think about other things. That’s the great thing about exercise: It clears your mind of everything else. It’s the one thing you focus on. When you’re running, you’re focusing on pushing yourself to your max. At least jog at a real pace friends. All I’m saying is you’re wasting your time coming if you’re not exercising. And I guarantee that if you’re reading while you exercise, you’re not exercising. If you don’t believe me, just track how much weight you actually lose in the next three months on your walkomatic workout, or how much better shape you’re really in the next time you climb the stairs up to the Benson building. In the sound advice of G.O.B. Bluth, “COME ON!!!”

Gunners

I realize that I will now have had a couple BYU related posts in a row, and I definitely promise to have more in depth analysis of world events within the blog, but I needed to get this off my chest. I hate all students who feel it necessary to incessantly comment several times every class period. You know what I’m talking about. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes a comment is necessary, and sometimes a question is valid. But most of the time, and I mean 80 to 90% of the time, what you have to say is irrelevent. Let’s break it down into categories of the different and useless things stupid students raise their hands for:

The question found on the first page of the syllabus: You know you’ve read it. The teacher has explained it. It’s right there on the front page. But they haven’t read it or didn’t pay attention. In my physics class with Professor Bagelby, we had to take two, yes two quizzes every class period. We were allowed to have notes in a special notebook we could use for the quiz. Well I was taking a quiz and the kid next to me, the last month of the semester raises his hand and says, “Prof, just for your information, FYI, there are students taking quizzes with notes back here.” Everyone looked at him with a dubious “you’re an fing moron” look, and he was informed that on the syllabus which we went over at the beginning of the semester, everyone was allowed to take the quizzes with notes. Idiot.

Next comes the know it all brilliant student: They’re in every subject, every class. Their hands spring up like dandelions in a country lawn, and no matter how many times you trim them or (I wish) poison them they come back again and again. Who do you people think you are? Are you the professor? Do I pay tuition and do Mormons pay their tithing to BYU so YOU can SPEAK? Hell no, I want you to shut the hell up and put your hand down and listen for once. When you have a degree, come talk to me in person after class.My ex-roommate Iphone calls them gunners. My other friend Cinderella once counted a student commenting in a three credit class over 87 times in one month. So that’s like 12 class periods. That’s ridiculous, and totally unnecessary. I have a molecular bio class where one tubby of a man comments seven or eight times a class. You know the professor is wishing he could shine his laser pointer the kids face. On top of that, a lot of times, they are smart people, (maybe a little less on the book smarts and more on the people skills pal) so then they end up intimidating everyone else so nobody else raises their hand. Then they really have a hay day because they get to be star student. Top notch! Go to the head of the class. My vote is don’t stop there, get your ace out the door while you’re at it.

The is this going to be on the test questioners: These are the worry worts that don’t think for themselves. They aren’t taking a class to learn anything, but just to get a grade. So when you’re in the TA review session, they’re the ones who sit behind you and never quit asking whether the professor will test on that, or if the TA thinks this will be on the test. What are the chances of blah blah blah? Should we memorize all of these or blah blah blah? Well he said it in lecture but it wasn’t in the homework so blah blah blah? Does the professor really feel this is blah blah blah? Dear lord you helpless imp, give it a rest. The TA will go over what is important. Usually, the professor does too.

The let’s brag about ourselves commenters: I had a history class with the most brilliant professor, Dr. Smarty McGenius, and we had one kid who sat in the back who was about thirty. And at one point he began to relate a point to us about how he and I quote, “intimately knew the Brethren” and “Worked closely with many members of the 12” and therefore knew certain positions of the church. I can’t say DoucheChill any louder. Who does that? Most days he would string several paragraphs of bragging together and breathe them out every time there was a pause in the lecture. The more you try to impress others, the less it works. Less is more. That’s my advice to the one person who may read this blog.

Zoobies

So tonight I was sitting around chatting with Sexpanther and Caged Wisdom, my roommates, and Caged Wisdom brings up the phrase, “Zoobies.” Zoobies, I find out, are people at our university who were dealt one too many spirituality points, thus pushing them beyond the brink of normalcy and into the realm of overbearing self-righteousness. Zoobies are people who: think baking snickerdoodles and putting together a puzzle is a great date activity, don’t watch PG-13 movies, think kissing is wrong until after you’re married, APs who just got off their mission and let you know it, bake everyone in the ward cookies (guys), walk out of the movie 51st dates, don’t use the word suck, play a little too much ultimate frisbee, smother girls with too much attention (thus checkmating themselves), are too interested in what girls are saying or what they are doing when at the restaurant Wingers, disapprove of the critically acclaimed television shows Arrested Development, Friends, or Seinfeld, seem to always say things like, “That’s crude,” or, “That’s not something I would do,” or, “I don’t feel that’s appropriate,” write or receive more than 8 honeypots in one week, participate in Men’s Choir, or think Godfather is a poor movie.