Twilight

Disclaimer: The author of BitchinFilmReviews.com begged me to watch this film so he could “do a review on his movie blog”, so because I’m a good guy, I consented. Also, you can read Cinder’s review here.

Twilight made for a great parody of a drama. Unknowingly, the director made a comedy. The film really plays out like some sort of extended Saturday Night Live Short. What’s amazing, and to me, what exposes what the book actually is (crappy mcrap), is that the movie is extremely accurate to the written account by Stefanie Meyers (a BYU alum. Go Cougs!). That is, a melodramatic compliment-fest between a several hundred year old vampire and a seventeen year old. They’re so in love. They’d die for eachother after only knowing eachother for a few weeks. Please. Bella, you’re seventeen. Are you really going to let Edward make you a vampire for all eternity based on a high school crush? Only like 4% of high school crushes work out.

Most of the movie is staring into Edward or Bella’s eyes as they exhale breath awkwardly.

The first scene that revealed the depth of the film was when Bella sees Edward in the science lab. Edward looks as if he’s about to puke, and covers his mouth. We (the theater audience) laughed. Literally laughed. He then exits rudely.

Another fun scene is during a flashback, when Edward is christened a vampire (pun intended. Get it? Christened a vampire? Christened the spawn of satan? haha!). Carlyle sniffs around Edward’s Choleric and sweaty neck and takes a nice big bite out of him like he was at the Golden Corral. Edward writhes in pain. It was so awkward and funny.

Also, Edward sneaks into Bella’s room and watches her sleep. Give me an fing break. That is so creepy.

Or when Bella rides around on Edward as he runs through the forest, that’s really funny too.

Or that Edward’s skin is made of…diamonds? Meyers I’m sure was as surprised as I am at the success of her series.

There is a major difference in character believability and development between Twilight (I can only comment on the first book which I read and its movie) and the Harry Potter series (which I read all and have seen all films thus far). That difference is stark. Potter would definitely kick Edward’s centurial ass. Beyond that, even though wizards and witches is about as believable as vampires at first glance, Rowling builds a world not singly on a love addiction of a girl, but on a lonely and different boy who has many different areas of exploration for the reader i.e. sports (quittage), education (Hogwarts), revenge (Voldemort), not to mention love tension (Hermione, Cho, Ron’s little sister,). Where Meyers spent the first 300 pages tripping over herself to talk about Bella’s crush on Edward and Edward’s uncontrollable love/sex/hunger for Bella, Rowling throws Potter’s love interest into the mix and lets it simmer on low. Meyers finally introduces a rising tension in the plot about the last fifty pages (or last ten minutes of the movie, right after the ridiculous baseball game in the middle of the forest where Edward and his buddy jump fifty feet into the air and collide with eachother). Rowling introduced Voldemort from the first chapter. And it took seven books to develop to the orgasmic ending.

What scares me, is that after the success of Twilight, Meyer’s publishers decided she didn’t need any editing for her books. Whoa. What? (I will also mention the numerous spelling errors in the book. Maybe she didn’t have an editor for the first one either).

In other words, Twilight will get you a few laughs, or if you just are a sucker for ridiculous, unbelievable stories about passionate and overbearing puppy love, then you may like the movie.

My guess is you won’t.

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8 thoughts on “Twilight

  1. blake says:

    You’re totally twisting words. For all who care to know what really happened, here it is:I was bored one night, and didn’t have any pressing work, or homework. I’d seen literally everything else i theaters. I called Ben, asked him what he was doing. He said he was going to need to study really late. I said I was thinking about going to go see Twilight. To this, Ben responded that he could change his studying plans and make it, no problem. If this is begging, I’m guilty as charged.Suck on that.

  2. blake says:

    I think it should also be noted that no matter how much ‘begging’ I do to get you to go see bitchin’ movies like Synecdoche, New York, or The Boy in the Stripped Pajamas, or Roman de gare, or Girl Cut in Two, you can’t pull yourself away from studying for those movies. For Twilight on the other hand…

  3. Magicman says:

    Touche. Touche. If any of that were true, it would be a good argument.

  4. John says:

    Well Mr. Siskel & Ebert you've been staying busy with school/movie critic but we hope to see you at Christmas also. Hope you had a great Thanksgiving.

  5. Cylee Pressley says:

    What a male you are. Its a huge hit for a reason.. women (and some men) like that stuff. I do have to say we watched it a day after it came out and I liked it so much I went and got all the books. I have them all read except the last 300 pages of book 4. It gets a little out there..but I am a sucker for a good romance tale and this had a nice edge to it. To change the subject..what are your plans once you graduate? And am I going to see you at Christmas?

  6. The Carter's says:

    Hey I just started to read the book. Cylee said it was great so i will see what it is all about. haha anyway like Cy asked are you going to be there for the party? I hope so. we will be in town hopefully the 16th and im staying til the 5th. so sometime in there we should get together. Maybe do some game playing when cy is here too!! haha

  7. D says:

    Ben, who do you think is a bigger icon in the gay community, you or Elton John? And Blake, the boy in the stripped pajamas was excellent. Couldn’t agree more.

  8. coffee says:

    i don’t understand what is the appeal of Robert Pattinson, his nose looks funny

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