Awright baby. Swingers is definitely one of the greatest guy films of all time. Darren and I have watched this film seven or eight times and it’s never a let down. It stars Vince Vaughn as the ultra-suave and smooth Wingman named Trent, and Jon Favreau as the sad loser Mike. The dealio goes: Mike is a broken-hearted, broken man. His girlfriend broke up with him six months ago and he can’t get past it. Trent, his best mate, is money with the girls, and is a good friend. This guy is “straight butta” to put it in contemporary slang (wait, that’s an eight year old phrase…). Anyway, Trent is always talking up Mike, trying to get him to loosen up and grow a pair. The whole movie is about picking up chicks, or at least that’s what it seems. In the end, Mike finds a girl by being his queer and awkward self. Here’s the rub: It’s money picking up chicks. But we’re all money. We’re all money baby. We just don’t know we’re money.
So here are some of my favorite quotes and dialogue from the movie.
Trent: They’re gonna give daddy the Rainman suite, you dig that?
Mike: Do you think we’ll get there by midnight?
Trent: Baby, we’re going to be up five hundy by midnight!
Mike just gets a girl’s number (I really couldn’t watch it was so bad, but he pulled it off.) He asks the pickup gods Trent and Sue how long he should wait to call her.
Mike: So how long do I wait to call?
Trent: A day.
Sue: Tomorrow, then a day.
Mike: So two days?
Trent: Yeah, I guess you could call it that, two days.
Sue: Definitely, two days is like industry standard.
Trent: You know I used to wait two days to call anybody, but now it’s like everyone in town waits two days. So I think three days is kind of money. What do you think?
Sue: Yeah, but two’s enough not to look anxious.
Trent: Yeah, two’s enough not to look anxious. But I think three days is kind of money. You know because you…
Mike: Yeah, but you know what, mabey I’ll wait 3 weeks. How’s that? And tell her I was cleaning out my wallet and I just happened to run into her number.
Charles: Then ask her where you met her.
Mike: Yeah, I’ll ask her where I met her. I don’t remember. What does she look like? Is that… would that be… T, would that be the money?
Trent: You know what. Ha ha ha Mike, laugh all you want but if you call too soon you might scare off a nice baby who’s ready to party.
Mike: Well how long are you guys gonna wait to call your babies?
Trent, Sue: Six days.
Mike is pretty down on himself. His buddy Rob gives him (and us) good advice.
Rob: You don’t look at the things that you have, you only look at the stuff that you don’t have. Those guys are right about you – you’re money.
Mike: Then why won’t she call?
Rob: She won’t call because you left. she’s got her own life to deal with, man, and that’s in New York… alright? And she’s a sweet girl, and I love her to pieces, but fuck her, man. You gotta get on with your life. You gotta let go of the past. And Mikey, when you do, I’m telling you: the future is beautiful, alright? Look out the window. It’s sunny every day here. It’s like manifest destiny. Don’t tell me we didn’t make it. We made it! We are here. And everything that is past is prologued to this. All of the shit that didn’t kill us is only – you know, all that shit. You’re gonna get over it.
Mike: How did you get over it? I mean, how long did it take?
Rob: Sometimes it still hurts. You know how it is, man. It’s like, you wake up every day and it hurts a little bit less, and then you wake up one day and it doesn’t hurt at all. And the funny thing is, is that, this is kinda wierd, but it’s like, it’s like you almost miss that pain.
Mike: You miss the pain?
Rob: Yeah, for the same reason that you missed her… because you lived with it for so long.
Mike being his normal weaksauce self with the ladies. Trent and Sue give him a good analogy:
Trent: You know what you are? You’re like a big bear with claws and with fangs…
Sue: …big fucking teeth, man.
Trent: Yeah… big fuckin’ teeth on ya’. And she’s just like this little bunny, who’s just kinda cowering in the corner.
Trent: Yeah, man just kinda… you know, you got these claws and you’re staring at these claws and your thinking to yourself, and with these claws you’re thinking, “How am I supposed to kill this bunny, how am I supposed to kill this bunny?”
Sue: And you’re poking at it, you’re poking at it…
Trent: Yeah, you’re not hurting it. You’re just kinda gently batting the bunny around, you know what I mean? And the bunny’s scared Mike, the bunny’s scared of you, shivering.
Sue: And you got these fucking claws and these fangs…
Trent: And you got these fucking claws and these fangs, man! And you’re looking at your claws and you’re looking at your fangs. And you’re thinking to yourself, you don’t know what to do, man. “I don’t know how to kill the bunny.” With *this* you don’t know how to kill the bunny, do you know what I mean?
Sue: You’re like a big bear, man.
Mike: So you’re not just like fucking with me?
Trent: No I’m not fucking with you.
Sue: Honestly, man.
Trent picking up a waitress in a nasty Casino in Vegas:
Trent: Baby, that was money! Tell me that wasn’t money.
Mike: That was so demeaning.
Trent: She smiled, baby.
Mike: I can’t believe what an asshole you are.
Trent: Did she, or did she not smile.
Mike: She was smiling at what an asshole you are.
Trent: She was smiling at how money I am, baby.
Trent giving advice again to Mike:
Trent: I don’t want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone’s *really* hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the g
uy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you’re not sure whether or not you like yet. You’re not sure where he’s coming
from. Okay? You’re a bad man. You’re a bad man, Mikey. You’re a bad man, bad man.
The opening scene. This is the psychology behind the breakup. This is the mental angst we have to go through. It sucks.
Mike: Okay, so what if I don’t want to give up on her?
Rob: You don’t call.
Mike: But you said I don’t call if I wanted to give up on her.
Mike: So I don’t call either way?
Mike: So what’s the difference?
Rob: There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can’t do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.
Mike: So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her?
Mike: Well that sucks.
Rob: Yeah, it sucks.
Mike: So it’s just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her?
Rob: Right. Although probably more likely the opposite.
Mike: What do you mean?
Rob: I mean at first you’re going to pretend to forget about her, you’ll not call her, I don’t know, whatever… but then eventually, you really will forget about her.
Mike: Well what if she comes back first?
Rob: Mmmm… see, that’s the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.
Mike: There’s the rub.
Rob: There’s the rub.
Best line of the film:
Trent: Vegas, baby. Vegas
Fellas, this is like the cinematic breakthrough that documents how awesome we could be with the ladeez, or how douche-baggery we can be. More than that, it’s about looking inside ourselves and realizing the “Bear” within us, and the “sharpness of our claws and fangs” so to speak. We’re all money. We’re money baby.