After a long, arduous, 6 year battle between me and Blake (aka Shibby), Jolie clinches the number one spot on “Ben and Blake’s Top 20 Hottest Girls”. You make think it shallow we still discuss our female counterparts in such a objectifying way, but let’s be honest: We’re dudes. And Dudes like Hotts. So, with the following top twenty, I’d like to accompany each one with a quote in the style of DB1 and his blog, http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com.
Her sultry pouts make me wish I was melting hot suntan lotion dripping down her bronze washboard abs, a washboard just like her immigrant parents did their laundry on back in Afghanistan.
18: Nelly Furtado
Her Promiscuous Girl vid makes me wish I was the black leather belt that she wore in her tight, sweaty Seven jeans. Later back at my place, she’d whip me out and punish me for writing such scandalous remarks.
If we were both deer, we would frolick together across grassy meadowlands and picturesque mountain horizons, stopping to splash in the occasional glassy pond we’d find hidden among the birch trees.
16: Jennifer Aniston
I dream of when J.A. will take me onto an abandoned set and reprise her role as Rachel Green, go through the seven Monica erogenous zones, whispering them one by one into my ear as we drink a sparkling peach champagne and laugh about how she used to date Brad Pitt. Silly her.
Evangeline and I would befriend eachother after surviving a plane crash on a deserted island. There we would play heated games of cat and mouse flirting, eventually leading her to jump me in my tarp shelter one warm summer evening. Afterward, we would listen to the Police while we mused about the philosophies of Taoism and Immaterialism. She would confess that she loved me.
13: Eva Longoria
I want to fly out to Madrid with Eva Longoria in a personal jet, one decked out with alligator leather couches and the finest cognac. After sharing our favorite quotes from 100 Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, we would land just in time to run with the bulls where I would miraculously save her life at the last moment before her untimely demise. Then we would salsa dance in the moonlight, nude. I would return to star in a Spurs playoff game.
12: Heidi Klum
If I had three wishes, one of them would be to turn into the body paint Heidi would wear as a swimsuit on an abandoned beach somewhere in the Caribbean. After our work was done, she would have herself a strawberry daquiri under the shade of a coconut tree, then prance out into the frothy water.
11: Jessica Alba
Dane Cook would back me on this one when I say I would make out with Jessica Alba like I make out with a Fruit Punch Gatorade bottle after running an olympic sized triathlon in the scorching heat of St
. George Utah. She would be sweating just as much as myself. We would both be breathing hard.
Hilary Duff is like all hot Disney princesses, fair maidens, mermaids, combined into one dark eyed enigma Hott.
9: Keira Knightley
Keira and I were meant to be together during the 19th century, when Jane Austen could write about our love. I would be Mr. Darcy and she would be Elizabeth Bennett. I would have a marble statue carved of her in my gallery, drape it fine linens and tapestries from the east and have a string quartet present her with a box of pearls I had recently championed from giant clams.
8: Jessica Biel
I would take Jessica away with me to Austria where I would reveal I was a powerful magician. We would live on a beautiful ranch and I would perform silly, disarming magic tricks that would make her fall more and more deeply in love with me. She would tell me her childhood memories of feeling like an awkward outsider growing up in Colorado, and I would wrap my muscle bound, sinewy figure around her and tell her everything will be alright. The fire would crackle and pop, and she would get up to put another piece of pine onto it. The bear fur blanket around her would fall to the red mahogany floor, and the light would glisten like embers on her skin.
7: Jennifer Connelly
Jennifer is a Hott that would make out with me as aggressively and sloppily as myself eating AYCE barbecue wings at Wingers. She’d only get warmed up after the first couple rounds and then keep coming back for more. Later, we would spoon feed mint chocolate ice cream to eachother. Unfortunately it will have melted by the time we made it to my sail boat, but then we would catch a swift westwardly wind that would take us off the coast of Manhattan where we would gaze at the city lights and listen to John Mayer, a favorite artist we both shared.
5: Anne Hathaway
If I were a torture device, I would shackle Anne to my large cold frame where she would thrash against my strength. Then on a metaphysical level she would realize that we had become one and she would stay with me unfettered. The cold steel would melt away and I would morph into myself in a pillar of light, much like that of Beauty and the beast.
3 and 4: Lauren and Audrina
Lauren and Audrina are like the two sphinx’s from The Never Ending Story in that you can’t not look at them. They eventually burn you to a blackened crisp but not before you feel like you’ve taken e intravenously.
I would take Kate for a long horseback ride along the Oregon coast where we would eventually stop for a picnic of tossed spinach with Raspberry Vinagrette, marinated chicken breast, a pesto penne pasta cooked al dente, and sparkling cider. Then we would name constellations after eachother under the darkened sky. Each kiss we shared would be so passionate that she would cry afterward and christen it with a name like opulent fire or tears of unicorn.
1: Angelina Jolie
If I were God, Angelina would pick me up in her black Lamborghini Countach, manual, where we would zip along Highway 15 all the way to Vegas. After watching the light show at the Bellagio hand in hand with live music from Andre Borcelli and the Chicago Orchestra, we would attend several magic
shows from the likes of David Copperfield, David Blaine, and Chris Angel. Later that night, after our passionate love making, she would inform me that in fact she REALLY WAS part of a secret society of assassins and that I was chosen to lead them all as the one. I would tell her there is no spoon, and I was ready to take on whatever shananigans bad guys were up to now days. But unfortunately she would have fallen too hard for me, and confes she had left Brad Pitt for me. We would then adopt seven little Korean babies and spend the rest of our days in Ludwig’s castle in Germany, playing croquet, eating crumpets and sipping tea.